Each week at my private practice, Radical Change Therapy, we host a team bonding activity called "Vulnerability Wednesday."
On Vulnerability Wednesdays, my Executive Assistant, Bryana, sends a thoughtful prompt to our general Slack chat that our leadership team, therapists, and admins must respond to, along with directly messaging at least one team member whose response resonated with them (we all agreed that I don't count since there's never any ice to break with me).
This week's Vulnerability Wednesday prompt was:
"What is the first thing that you would do if you found out you had a week to live?"
And my answer was:
I'd want to be surrounded by my created and chosen family (which includes very few biological family members). And, I'd have to leave the world with one last thing to help with mother-daughter trauma recovery. What comes to mind is interviewing each of them and doing a group interview so people can understand just how essential of a tool estrangement is and witness the beauty of chosen family.
Since I grew up surrounded by almost nothing but dysfunctional patterns/people, I've had my share of painful relationships, the most painful being the one I had with my mom prior to our estrangement in 2020, which also led to me losing relationship with my sister as collateral damage. Being that we'd lost my brother in 2015 to a car accident, she was my last living sibling (aside from several biological, adopted, and step sisters and brothers on my dad's side whom I didn't grow up knowing due to huge age gaps [my dad was 50, had been married twice, and was a father of 9 when I was born]) and in a matter of minutes, I was left with no immediate family.
Since then, I've healed into believing that those we spend our time with are our proof that God exists. Subconciously, how the people we choose to be around treat us either proves to us that God is good and on our side or that He is mean and out to punish us. Which is why I decided long ago that for me to experience the fullness of God (in other words, not resenting Him for how those I am in relationship with treat me) and life (in other words, not resenting myself for spending so much time moping about how those I am in relationship with treat me that I have no bandwidth left to pursue my dreams), self-love equals handpicking who's in my corner. That means:
🙅🏽♀️ No elephants in rooms (unless I'm at sorority event 😛 OO-OOP 🐘🔺)
🙅🏽♀️ No relationships out of history or obligation that lack chemistry, and
🙅🏽♀️ No maintaining connections with people who aren't capable of seeing me
While that's easier in theory thanks to people like mother-in-laws and school officials (I'm in a doctorate program) 🥴😂, I'm happy to say that my intentionality and gentle firmness allows me to lead a peaceful yet full life, having very few encounters with people who make me feel ick.
And I hope, while you look at this picture - if there's someone in your life you need to distance yourself from or if you distanced yourself from someone and are patiently yet painfully waiting on healthier connections - that not only does the magic of Christmas 💖✨ jump out at you...but the power of leaning into seasons of solitude while trusting that God will reward the heart behind your sacrifice with people who's love for you is as pure and healthy as His is.May we - the family created by a woman who lost the entire family she grew up with, be your proof that God exists and so...do YOUR people.
Merry Christmas 🎄
-Dylesia, Nigel, Bliss, & Flame 🫶🏾
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